Sweet Bitterness
by Justice Kingdom
Summary: I'm in love with her, but being around around her for too long sets me off. We have similar personalities and we're both headstrong. Neither of us will admit we're wrong. We fight, it gets bad sometimes, but we always go back to each other. What happens when love runs so deep, you can't stand who you're in love with? Should you just give up, or push through and hope it works out?
1. Time To Think

**This story originally belongs to me, XionTheBlackRose, but since I have asked Justice Tokidoki to write this story with me, it has been deleted from my account and published here, to our joint account. The first two chapters are written by me, the third is written by Justice T, and from then on, Sayaka's chapters will be written by Justice T, and Kyouko's will be written by me. Please enjoy and review to let us know how we're doing. Until next time,  
**

 **Xion, out**

* * *

 **Time To Think**

I stare out the window on the train as my phone rings, over and over. I pull my phone from my bag and frown, seeing Kyouko's still calling me. I roll my eyes and put the phone back in my bag. The phone continues to ring, she just won't give up. _Doesn't she get that I don't want to talk to her right now?_ I sigh and lean my head against the window. I stare out at the passing buildings, the cool glass helps calm me down a little.

"Lady, if you're not going to answer your phone, can you at least turn the ringer off? My kid's trying to sleep, man." the man across from me snaps. I groan lightly and take the still ringing phone from my bag again. It's still Kyouko calling me and I ponder answering it. I answer the call and slowly put the phone to my ear. I hold my breath, "What?"

I see the man across from me glare at me, but I ignore him. I hear voice and my heart melts, "Where did you go? I've been looking for you."

I close my eyes, "I'm staying at Madoka's tonight."

She groans, "Sayaka, don't do this. I said I was sorry."

I open my eyes, "Saying it and meaning it are two different things, Kyouko."

"Oh, so you're back to this, huh?" she clicks her tongue, "Oh, mighty Sayaka, who can do no wrong, how many times do I have to apologize? You seem to forget, you hit me, too. So, don't go trying to pin this all on me."

"You hit me first," I defend myself, "You were yelling at me, and yes, I yelled back, but-"

"Oh, are you ready to admit it now?" by the tone of her voice, I know she's rolling her eyes. My grip on the phone tightens and I try to keep my voice level, "Look, I'm not mad at you, okay? I just.. Need some time alone to think. I'll be back in the morning."

"Time alone at your girlfriend Madoka's, right?" Kyouko hisses.

I wince, looking down, "You're my girlfriend.. Madoka's just my friend, you know that.."

"Yeah," she clicks her tongue again, "Sure."

"Kyouko-" she hangs up on me and I frown. I put my phone away and look up to see the man across from me is staring at me now. I look away, "My phone won't wake up your kid."

The train ride to Madoka's is silent and then I get off, looking around. The streets are empty, but I expected that, given that it's almost two in the morning. I sigh and walk up to Madoka's house. I pull my phone out, texting her to let her know I'm here. I stand on the doorstep, waiting for her to open it. It surprises me that Homura's the one that opens the door. I smile softly, "Uh.. Good morning.."

"Madoka fell asleep. Come in." she says, moving from the doorway. I come in, shutting the door behind me. I'm suddenly nervous, I never really talk to Homura without Madoka around.

"Um.. Sorry to wake you.." I feel like I should apologize, it is almost two in the morning after all. She shakes her head, going to the kitchen. I follow slowly, watching her. She looks back at me and gestures for me to sit at the table. I do and she pours a glass of milk, "Do you want one?"

"Uh.. Yeah, sure. Thanks," I reply.

She pours another glass and sets one in front of me. She sits across from me with the other glass. Her dark eyes bear into me more than they should in the dim light coming from the hallway. The rest of the house remains in darkness. I sip the milk she poured for me slowly, not sure what she's expecting me to say or do. Homura pushes some hair from her face, her voice is soft when she speaks, "I read the message you sent Maddie. Did something happen?"

I feel kind of offended that she read the message I sent asking to stay here tonight. I sent it to Madoka, not _her_. I quickly dismiss the offense in my mind and sigh, "It's.. Kind of complicated.."

"I know you don't like me much," she smiles slowly, "But, seeing as you're Maddie's best friend, I'm here for you, too. So, if something happened, you can tell me."

I smile lightly, changing the subject, "You call Madoka Maddie? Cute nickname."

She sighs, "You obviously don't trust me, and I don't blame you. I don't really try to get to know Madoka's friends. I'm trying to be better at that."

"It's not like that," I assure her, "I trust you, just.. Not as much as I do Madoka. I do appreciate you waiting up for me, giving me something to drink.. So, thank you, Homura."

She smiles, "You're welcome, Sayaka."

Her smile drops almost instantly and her eyes narrow when I push some hair behind my left ear. I frown lightly, "Homura..?"

She stands and turns on the kitchen light. I stare at her in confusion until she walks up beside me. She grabs my chin, turning my head to the left. I push her, "What the hell?"

My hair falls back into place and she just stares at me. Her eyes narrow, dark and angry, "Does Madoka know she hit you?"

I stand, suddenly angry, "You don't know what you're talking about! You're a nosy outsider! You had no right to read the messages I sent Madoka, and you certainly have no right to-"

"To what?" she snaps, "State the obvious? That bruise isn't really that hidden, Sayaka."

"Momo..?" Madoka's soft voice rings out as she enters the kitchen. She's rubbing her eyes, "What's going on? Is Sayaka okay?"


	2. Tornado Meets a Volcano Effect

**The Tornado Meets a Volcano Effect**

I pace the bedroom, calling Sayaka again. Of course, she doesn't answer me. I shout in anger, throwing the phone on the bed. I turn and punch the wall, "Damn it! Pick up your damn phone, Sayaka!"

I turn back, glaring at my phone on the bed. I groan and storm into the kitchen. I throw the fridge open, inspecting it's contents. I snatch up one of Sayaka's sandwiches and I shove half of it in my mouth before slamming the door shut. I return to the room, munching on my anger sandwich. I sit on the bed and pick up my phone again. I call Sayaka's cell again, but she still won't answer me. _Maybe she's asleep. Or maybe she's fucking ignoring me again._ I groan and finish the sandwich before lying fully on the bed. I glare at the wall, I miss her lying next to me.

I turn to face the ceiling. She left two days ago, and now she won't return my calls. I guess I could just go to Madoka's and get her, but I don't think that's a good idea. I put my phone to my ear, calling Sayaka yet again. She still won't answer so I put my phone in my pocket and get up. I go to the living room and grab my jacket off the back of the couch. I angrily shove my arm's through the jacket's sleeves. I put my boots on then leave the house. I know going after Sayaka isn't smart, so I pull my phone from my pocket and call Mami.

"Hello," she answers pleasantly, "Nice to hear from you, Kyouko."

"Can I come over? I need to talk.." I mutter.

"Of course, I'll get some tea started, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, sounds great." I sigh, "Thanks.."

"Don't thank me yet," she giggles, "I haven't done anything."

"See you in a bit." I hang up and head for Mami's apartment.

The walk to Mami's house doesn't take more than thirty minutes and I knock on the door as I arrive. She opens the door a second later and smiles, "Tea's almost ready."

* * *

I watch Mami sip her tea quietly as I finish my story. She clears her throat lightly, "This seems to be quite the fight you and Sayaka had. Though, neither of you were right in how it was handled."

"I know I shouldn't have hit her, but she just made me so mad, and then when she hit me, back.." I clench my fists, staring at my reflection in the tea sitting in front of me.

"Why did you hit her?" Mami asks.

I frown, "What?"

"Why did you hit her?" she sets her cup down on the coffee table between us, "You said she was screaming at you, what exactly was she saying that made you so mad that you felt you needed to hit her?"

I look away, "I.. She.."

I frown, shaking. I sigh, frustrated, "Why does that matter?"

"It matters a lot actually," she sits up a little straighter, "Having a relationship where you scream and hit each other isn't healthy, for either of you."

She tilts her head, eyes narrow, "Do you love Sayaka?"

"Of course I do!" I gasp, facing her, "I love her more than anything!"

"If you love her so much, why did you hit her?" she asks.

I know she's testing me, but I'm not sure what she's trying to find out. I scratch the back of my head, "I.. Well.. We were fighting.. She was screaming, I screamed back.."

"What was she saying?" she asks again.

"She.." I pull at my hair, "She was saying how I couldn't love her because of how I acted.. I don't know what she meant, I thought I was acting as I always do. She said I'm too moody, that I don't really talk to her."

I pull my hair harder, anger rising in my chest, "She kept saying that I hate her, that I use her.. I got so angry, I told her I love her, she called me a liar. So.."

I growl, pulling a fistful of hair out, "So I grabbed her and smacked her right in her lying fucking mouth! She hit me back and I shoved her into the wall, then she ran out! I went after her, yelled for her, but she ignored me! I kept calling her and she ignored me! She ran off to her secret girlfriend Madoka's! She won't answer my calls now!"

Mami moves and sits beside me. She eases my hand from my head then slowly unclenches my fists. Her voice is soft when she speaks, "You think she's cheating on you?"

"She's always running over to her.." I mutter, looking away from her. Anger still resonates in my chest and I huff, trying to calm myself down. Mami rubs my back, "She's not cheating on you, Kyouko. Madoka's dating Homura Akemi. Sayaka is Madoka's best friend. That's it. There's no relationship there."

"How do you know?" I look at her.

She smiles softly, "Sayaka may or may not have come to me for advice once of twice about that accusation."

I frown and she sighs, "Was this the only time you've ever hit her, or she's ever hit you?"

I shake my head, "It's happened a few times before. She started a fight, or I did. We're always arguing now a days. I don't trust her, of she's mad at me for not saying something. It's always something between us."

She reaches over the table and picks up her cup. She sips her tea again before replying, "Have you ever heard of the 'Tornado meets a Volcano' effect?"

I stare at her, "Uh, what?"

She looks back at me, "Well, you know how people say opposites attract?"

I nod and she continues, "Well, studies in marital counseling say that opposites attract better than people that are too similar because the similarities tend to overwhelm, but heads. Two like-minded people are more likely to believe they're each right, when neither of them could be. This causes a sort of.. Distaste towards each other. The couple will fight constantly, neither backing down. This is called the Tornado meets a Volcano effect. Especially when it's two headstrong people like you and Sayaka. You know you love her, she obviously loves you, but this distaste that's grown between you two has blinded you both. Which makes you distrust her when she's not with you, or her think you're not sincere enough to her."

"You think this is what's wrong with us?" I frown.

She nods, "Based on what you and Sayaka have both told me, I'd bet my marital counseling license on it."


	3. Won't Back Down

**This chapter was written by Justice T. From this point on, The chapters depicting Sayaka will be written by her, and the chapters depicting Kyouko will be written by XionTheBlackRose. Thanks, leave a review so we know how we're doing. Enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

 **Won't Back Down**

I frown, "It's nothing really, stop overreacting."

"You've got a bruise!" Madoka replies, worry shining in her eyes.

I shake my head, "I'm fine, I hit her, too, so it's fine."

"That doesn't make it fine!" she crosses her arms, looking frustrated and worried, "Sayaka, I don't think you should stay with her anymore.."

"Oh, my god, Madoka, it was just a fight! She didn't mean anything by it! We were both being stupid, it won't happen again!" I shout.

Homura steps in front of Madoka, "Don't yell at her, she's just trying to help."

"Shut up, you don't know anything!" I shove Homura, knocking her down. I gasp instantly, "I-I'm sorry. I'm going home now."

Madoka helps Homura up, calling after me as I get to the front door, "Sayaka, wait!"

"I'll call you later!" I reply, running from the house. I pull my phone from my bag to see some missed calls from Kyouko. I sigh and call her. She picks up instantly, "Sayaka, finally!"

I sigh, "I'm coming home, okay? Do you want to go somewhere for dinner? I'll buy."

"Is your apology baiting me with food?" she laughs.

I smile, "Yeah, it is. So?"

"Pick me up at six, doll face." she replies.

I shake my head, "You're such a goofball."

She's silent for a moment, then she sounds desperate, "You know I love you, right?"

"Yes," I get to the train station, "I know, Kyouko."

"See you at home?"

"See you at home." I hang up as the train stops to board passengers. I stare out the window in silence until it's my turn to get off the train. I get off and look around the familiar block. Kyouko's house isn't far from here. I walk down the street and turn into the driveway of the small rundown house. I rub my hands together nervously. She seemed fine earlier, but I know from past experiences, she could still be mad.

I take a deep breath and knock on the door. I hear her call from inside so I open the door and step into the living room. I smile lightly, seeing her jacket lying over the back of the couch as always. I always find it funny, because she has a coat rack, but she never uses it. I look around for her, but I don't see her in the living room, or in the kitchen. She would have greeted me by now. I then go to the bedroom, and there she is.

Kyouko's sprawled lazily on the bed, wearing black sweat pants and a red tank top. I can see her black bra peeking out of the top of her shirt since she's lying on her stomach. She looks up at me and grins before jumping off the bed. She's at my side in a second and then she hugs me close. I hug her back, looking up at her, "I'm sorry, Yoko."

She smirks, leaning down to kiss me, "My silly little Aya.."

I try to kiss her but she quickly shoves me against the wall. I wince, frowning lightly. I look at her and she punches the wall beside my head. I wince again. She's glaring at me, but there's tears in her eyes, "Don't ever run away from me again."

For a second my heart stops. Then it beats so fast I swear the whole neighborhood can hear it, let alone the crazy redhead in front of me. I chuckle nervously. "And if I do? What would you do to me then?" My heart bashes my chest but I don't flinch away. I stare Kyouko straight on.

I can't let myself be afraid.

Her face twists briefly before she moves the fist she had next to my head away to wipe at her own tears. She looks at me and there's no smile, her eyes are dark and pierce through me. She moves really close, knee moving slightly up between my legs. I shiver as she grips my chin, never looking away. "I am completely serious right now. Do you get that?"

I can't move my head and as her hot breath hits my lips the thoughts in my brain scatters. "Of course. I'm not stupid."

She nearly presses her lips against mine, but then all of a sudden she pulls back and instantly I fall to the floor. My legs are still as shaky as jelly. I swallow as a rough hand curls up in my hair.

"You're hungry, right? We can discuss what happened later. I can't think on an empty stomach," She states in a no nonsense tone.

I look up at her, but almost close my eyes when she looks back at me, eyes still cold and full of hurt. I force my voice out of my throat. "Come on... I don't want you to be mad at me. I'm just... I'm tired of fighting, and I don't want to do it after we eat. So let's just get this over with. Then we can have our date without worrying about anything, right?"

Her fingers tighten and my head moves to the right so sharply that I'm afraid a headache will come pounding next. I breathe heavily, trying not to whimper. Kyouko's voice is reassuring, almost calm. "Later, Sayaka. Let it go."

I grip the hem of my skirt. "No."

Her voice is even more quiet and her hand in my hair tenses. "What?"

" _I said no!_ " I spring up and shove her as hard as I can. She gasps and falls back in the bed and I lunge for her, pinning her there. Her eyes open up, shiny and moist from the crying, and she freezes up. Despite the fact that I'm shaking and she's stronger, for a good thirty seconds she just lays there, staring at me in shock.

"W-what?" I cry. "Just say how you feel already! Please... just... I can't... I just... I don't want to fight anymore..." I shake, leaning back, and my hips slide against hers as I lean down, touching her lips with my index finger. "Please."

Her face is red now and she twitches underneath me, slowly reaching up, touching my hips. "You don't know what you want, Sayaka... that's why..." She closes her eyes, biting her bottom lip. "That's why this keeps happening."

"W-what?" I stop, eyes widening as she slowly pushes her hand up my skirt. "Y-Yoko..."

Her eyes are slightly desperate and suddenly I realize that her face is red because she's blushing, not mad. _But how could I know? When was the last time that I made her feel... that I felt...?_ As my thoughts take me over everything around me spins and she's above me.

"W-wait.." I shake as her hand strokes up my thigh. "I... I didn't mean..."

Her sad smile hits and I flinch as if she slapped me. "Of course not. You just wanted to torture me, right? You always need to get the last jab in, don't you?"

For once, I stay silent, daring her to go further, just to mess things up. "Then just take me already. Will that make you feel better? Or are you just going to not be honest with me and glare at me all night?"

She smirks. She easily forces my legs off her then turns around. "As if I'm that childish. You sure you're not describing yourself?"

I sit up, frowning. I hate how disappointed I feel that she backed down first. Just when I think I have her she puts up another wall. I can't tell if she's truly calmed down or if she's waiting to strike when my back is turned. "That hungry, are you?"

Kyouko tilts her head towards me and her smile sends a new set of chills from my head all the way down to my toes.

"Yep." She licks her lips. "So don't keep me waiting. Otherwise, I'll just eat you instead."

She then leaves the room and I'm left all hot and frustrated. I press my legs together, gripping the sheets tightly. "Two can play at that game. I'm not letting you escape. If I can't run, neither can you."


	4. Continuing The Cycle

**Continuing The Cycle**

I sit on the cough, crossing my arms. I groan softly, _What the hell is she doing? I'm trying to put this behind us and she.. Ugh, I don't know what do with her right now. I just want to go to dinner and then forget this mess._ I close my eyes and breathe out slowly. I open my eyes when I hear Sayaka's voice, "Kyouko?"

I open my eyes a little, staring at her through half open lids, "Yes, Sayaka?"

She crosses her arms loosely, "Um.. So.. A-are we good..?"

I tilt my head back, "Maybe. We'll see after dinner."

She frowns, then smiles at me. I can see from the look in her eyes that she's not done with me yet. To be honest, I'd rather stay home and show her who's boss, but.. She probably wouldn't appreciate that. She comes and sits beside me, "Are you going to get ready?"

I smirk at her, "I said pick me up at six, it's only around three or so.."

I put an arm around her, leaning close. Her face turns red and I kiss her. She kisses me back and I pull away, whispering in her ear, "So, let's kill some time."

I try to get over her, but she quickly pushes me back against the couch roughly. I frown lightly, "What the hell?"

She then climbs over me, straddling me, grinning, "We're killing time."

I smirk, "You think you're cute, don't you?"

She laughs softly, "Maybe."

I flip her, pressing her down into the couch. The look of surprise and annoyance on her face is hilarious. I pin her hands over her head, "Who said you were in charge?"

She grunts, throwing herself against me. I gasp as we both fall off the couch. She smirks at me as I'm the one being pinned now, "I did."

I chuckle lightly, "Are you that mad about me teasing you a few minutes ago?"

She leans down, inches from my face. She just smiles before she leans down a little more, kissing my neck softly. I gasp, as her hands run down my arms to my stomach. She sits up, pulling my shirt off. I don't fight her until the garment is off. Then I throw her off me, before getting back over her. I pull my hair down, chuckling, "My turn."

I get her shirt off effortlessly and run my hands slowly over her chest and stomach. She shivers, breathing heavily. I lean down and kiss her, putting a hand in her hair as I use my free hand to reach under her bra. She shivers and moans, kissing me back. She reaches up and unhooks my bra. I sit up and she giggles innocently, "Oops.."

I smile, shaking my head before allowing her to push me down so she can get over me again. She's never been this forceful to be in control, but then again, I don't really remember the last time we got intimate like this. She's been closed off, or I've been a jealous bitch; Either way, it's been too damn long. I guess letting her have her way every now and again isn't so bad.

I sit up, almost pulling her into my lap as I kiss her, wrapping my hands in her hair. She kisses me back, pushing me back onto the floor. I keep my hands in her hair as she grips my right breast, causing me to shudder. I feel her smile into the kiss at my reaction as her other hand dips into my pants. I grip her hair tighter, pulling it as my body tenses and I moan.

* * *

I stare into the mirror in my room as I tie my hair back up, frowning at the "fancy" dark purple knee length sleeveless dress Sayaka insists I wear. I turn and grin at her as she's sitting on my bed in her white blouse and navy blue skirt, putting black heels on. She looks up and smiles at me, "You look great,"

"You do realize I'm not putting heels on, right?" I smirk.

She rolls her eyes, "Yes, you are."

I turn to her fully, crossing my arms, "Gonna make me?"

She stands, putting her hands on her hips, "Please, stop acting like a two year old and just wear the shoes I picked out for you. We still have a thirty minute train ride to Tokyo. You don't want to make us late do you?"

I tilt my head, "When did you have time to make reservations anyway?"

Her expression turns from playfully annoyed to slight hurt, "I made it a few weeks ago, remember..?"

I rack my brain, but I don't remember her making any dinner reservations. I shake my head and she glares, "Do you even remember what June 26th is, Kyouko?"

 _Shit, I suck at remembering dates. Is it her birthday? No, that's sometime in January. It's not my birthday, so.._ She takes me from my thoughts when a shoe comes flying at my face. I dodge the attack and Sayaka looks pissed, "I can't believe you!"

"Whoa, Sayaka.." I frown, I thought we were finally good again. Just great. She wipes tears from her face, "Whatever, just put the stupid shoes on so we can go."

She leaves the bedroom and I look after her. I sigh and pick up the high heel she threw at me. It's one of the shoes she bought for me. The very one I don't want to wear. I groan and go to my bed where the other shoe is waiting for me. These ugly black heels with crossed ribbons down the front from where my ankle is supposed to be. I put the shoes on then go to the living room, "Sayaka? I'm wearing the dumb shoes."

Sayaka is waiting at the door, holding her purse in one hand with her other hand on her hip. She's still glaring at me, "Ready?"

I cross my arms, frowning, "What's your problem? I'm wearing your dumb shoes."

"It's not about the shoes," she groans, opening the door and leaving the house, "Let's go."

I follow after her, "Then what is it about?"

She shakes her head, "You tell me."

She mutters under her breath, "Can't believe you forgot.."

We stand at the train station in awkward, angry silence as we wait for the train. She's texting on her phone and I roll my eyes, _It's probably to her secret girlfriend Madoka._ I mentally kick myself, Mami told me Sayaka isn't cheating on me. _But then again, how does Mami know? Sayaka told her? Sayaka's lied to her before, who's to say she isn't lying about Madoka?_ I glare at the back of Sayaka's head, "Who're you texting?"

"None of your business." she snaps.

I clench my fists, eyes narrowing, "It most definitely is my business."

I try to grab her phone and she shoves me, "Knock it off, you're being childish!"

" _I'm_ being childish?!" I scoff.

The train pulls up and Sayaka shoves her phone in her purse, "We'll talk about this later."

I growl, following her onto the train, "Using my own words against me?"

We sit down and she glares at me, "Why not? It's only yourself you listen to anyway."


	5. Caring For Crimes Past Due

**C aring for Crimes Past Due**

The dinner is off to a horrible start. Partially because the whole fancy get-up and reservation was something I worked so hard for in advance. And the meaning is lost to her.

Should I have expected anything less? Why does it feel like I'm the only one who cares?

She rolls her eyes. "You're such a hypocrite. Glaring at me... I didn't do anything."

The water drops by, setting our food. A prime steak for her and a salmon dish for me. I instantly carve into it with my fork, eating so that I don't have to talk... or worse, scream.

I can't let my emotions get the best of me here. Not after how hard I worked. We've been kicked out of places half as good as this one due to arguments. Not again.

"Silent treatment, huh?" She sighs. "Fine, whatever." She takes a bite of her steak, making such a loud, pleased sound that I blush. A few people turn their heads our way. Most look unamused.

I hiss at her. "Quit that. Do you have any manners at all?"

"The ice queen speaks." She takes another bite, speaking partially as she chews. "Not my fault you're always so bitter about everything. Don't blame me for this date being ruined."

"It's not just a date!" I shudder. Crap, that was too loud. More heads turn. More frowns. I sink back in my seat, rubbing my own eyes.

"...what do you want me to say? We're here. Does it really matter that I forgot?"

"Most couples don't forget their anniversary. But you obviously don't give a shit." I'm almost stuffing myself now. Less talking, more eating. I've always been the louder one. Can't lose it here.

There's a tad of guilt in her face, but she quickly shakes it off. "Jeez... you should have just said so. I knew it was coming up. I have a gift and everything. I just happened to forget the day. Doesn't mean I don't care."

You always forget. "I'm done. Just hurry up and eat so we can leave. I don't like being stared at."

She stands. "I'll just get this to go and give you time alone. I don't like being glared at. You always choose the hard route, and even if I may be a hothead at least I don't start shit for no good reason." She slaps down a few sen yen bills before grabbing her plate and walking towards the front of the restaurant.

"You can't just-" in fury, I grab her arm, pulling her back. The plate falls from her fingers, cracking upon impact as the food spread out like an exploding balloon.

We both stare at it for a while as a waiter comes up to us. "Ladies, are there any problems."

Kyouko roughly pulls her arm from my grasp. "None at all," she mutters before continuing her brisk stride. I sit their numbly as the waiter cleans the mess. My appetite is gone, but it'snothing compared to the tight feeling around my heart.

Why does this keep happening?

XxxxxxXxxxXxxxxx

I stand outside her door, feeling both guilty and ashamed. The train ride really made things stand out clearer in my mind. I had gone too far in some regards. However...

The door opens before I can finish the thought. Madoka' smile disappears when she takes in my face. "Is it Kyouko?"

I take in a deep breath. "Yes... I think I'm losing her."

She fidgets. "Did she hit you again?"

"No, I... it's not like that. We didn't get physical. She... she forgot our anniversary." The tears come and I shake, powerless to stop it. "I just... I'm afraid of being the only one who really cares. The only one still invested. But maybe... maybe I'm not enough anymore."

Madoka immediately pulls me into a hug before letting me come in. She leads me to the couch and I gladly collapse into the soft cushions, bawling my eyes out. Time and time again, it's Madoka whose always been my shoulder to cry on. The one who sees things clearly even while comforting and taking my side.

I don't deserve such a good friend. "I'm sorry. I know this happens so often," I try to say in between snobs. I sniff and the sound is horrible, as if I'm forcing a brick into a blender.

She rubs my back soothingly. "Wait. I'll get you some tissues." I take in a few calming breaths as I hear her light footsteps traveling around the kitchen. The tears still keep coming and by the time she gets back to me all I see is a blur of pink hair and white tissues growing in my vision. "Here."

"Thanks." I take it, blowing hard into them. "I'm such a mess."

"This is normal. You're hurt and confused... maybe a little lost." She looks down. "You've been unhappy for a while, Sayaka. I wanted to stay quiet, let you choose freely, but you've been hurt so much..."

"Madoka...?"

"I just..." She turns towards me, tears now outlining her own pink eyes. "You don't have to stay with Kyouko if you feel she isn't doing her hardest to make things work. You deserve the best. It's okay to put yourself first. I... I just needed to say that as your best friend."

A small smile finally comes back to my lips. "I really don't deserve you." I hug her again. "I'll keep what you said in mind. I can't... force anyone to care."

"You deserve the same as anyone else. You deserve to be happy." Madoka' grin fills me with warmth. I need the ache and pain to stop, that's the only thought running through my head. My body unconsciously leans forward and before I know it, my lips are caressing her soft, half-opened mouth.

The pain in my heart disappears for a second before blossoming into a shocked state of betrayal. What had I done?


	6. Scream At Me, So I Can Scream Back

**Scream at me, So I Can Scream Back**

She opens her door and smiles softly at me. I look at her caramel eyes and all I see is sympathy. I hug her, shivering, "I fucked up again.."

"Come in. I'll make some tea and we can talk about it." she replies, pulling away to let me in. I enter her apartment and sit at her coffee table, as I have for almost three years now. I've only known Mami for such a short time, but it feels like she's been around forever. I look around the living room, I know it so well by now. Many pictures of her and her friends; me, Homura, Madoka, and.. Sayaka. There's so many pictures of the five of us, and it kind of hurts to look at them. There's a clear difference between the pictures of Sayaka and Madoka and the pictures of Sayaka and me.

When she's with Madoka, she's happier. Everything inside me shatters. I'm suddenly so empty. How could I never see it before? I love her so much, but she'll never be happy with me. I'm never going to be good for her. I'm a horrible person; I'm selfish and arrogant. I don't deserve her, I never did. Mami comes and sits across from me, as she always does, and hands me a cup of tea. Her smile disappears and worry clouds her eyes, "Kyouko? Are you okay? What happened?"

I look at her and a tear falls down my face, "Why am I not enough?"

Mami's eyes soften, "Tell me what happened tonight."

I shake my head, "It doesn't matter. She's not happy with me anyway. It's so plain to see and I could never see it."

"Kyouko, sweetie, Sayaka loves you." she tilts her head, smiling reassuringly, "Tell me what happened so I can help you."

"She doesn't love me," I reply, "I mean.. How can she? I'm so.. Awful."

"You're not awful," she frowns, "Kyouko, I've known you a long time. You're many things, but awful isn't one of them. You push people away because you're afraid of losing them. But you let Sayaka close to you, and that scares you. I think you're afraid to be with her, with anyone, so you push her away. It hurts you, I see it all the time, but I also see the way you look at each other. You love her, and she loves you. You let her in, and now you're trying to put those walls back up around you, and because of that, it's hurting the both of you."

"She'd be happier with Madoka. At least she won't hit Sayaka." I stand up, crossing my arms, "I think we should break up. I'm no good for her, I see that now."

"No," Mami stands, coming over to me and grips my shoulders, "You can't keep running away because you're afraid of hurting! You'll never be able to be happy like that. You're my closest friend, Kyouko, so don't think I don't know how happy Sayaka makes you. You can't just give her up because you can't work past your own fears. Listen to me, go home. Talk with her. Tell her everything you've been telling me for months. Tell her how much she means to you, and how upset you get when you hurt her. And tell her what you're afraid of, why you're so scared to let her fully into your heart."

She hugs me, "Tell her everything, Kyouko. She'll understand then."

I push her back, glaring as tears run down my face, "No, she won't. Because fighting with her.. Is the only thing that makes me feel. I like when she hits me back, when she yells at me. And it makes me _sick_."

Mami stares at me for a few minutes in silence and I look away, wiping the tears from my eyes. I sigh, "Maybe breaking up is for the best. She doesn't need this _mess_ in her life."

"Kyouko-" she shakes her head and I cut her off, "Sorry to bother you. I'm just gonna go home."

I leave quickly, and Mami calls after me but I just want to go home and sleep this off. I get home and I'm disappointed to find the house void of my blue haired lover. I go to my room, taking the dress and heels off. I throw on a T-shirt and pull my hair down before getting into bed. I cover up and lie there, staring at the ceiling. I look at my phone, still sitting on the end table by the bed where I left it when we left. I pick it up and any hope I have left deflates as I see there's no calls or messages from Sayaka. I put the phone back and get up. I go to the closet and reach for the shelf above the hanging clothes.

I pull a small box down and open it, looking inside at the small blue charm bracelet I got her for out anniversary. That I forgot. I close the box and put it back, going to the living room. I grab the TV remote off the table and sit on the couch, turning the TV on. Someone knocks on the door and I frown, getting up and answering it. I open the door a little, given that I'm not wearing pants, and Mami pushes her way in. I cross my arms, "Mami, what the hell?!"

She shoves me, "You can't just walk out when I'm trying to help you! Why come to me if you don't want to hear the answers I offer?"

I frown, "Mami, go home. It's getting late."

"You didn't break up with her, did you?" she asks.

"No, she's not here. She's probably at Madoka's.." I sit on the couch.

She walks up to me, "For gods' sake, Kyouko, she's not cheating on you! She's told me many times that you keep accusing her, but she's not!"

"Like I care!" I growl, "She can do whatever she wants, I don't care. I'm breaking up with her when she comes back. I don't believe in break ups over the phone.."

"Don't break up with her, she brings out the best in you," she states.

I stand, "She brings out the worst in me!"

My eyes narrow, "Why are you even here, Mami? Why are you pushing so hard for Sayaka and I to stay together? Why do you care so much?!"

She suddenly kisses me and I shove her to the floor, shaking. I stare at her, "G-get out.."

She slowly sits up, tears in her eyes, "Kyouko.."

"Get the fuck out!" I grab her roughly, pulling her to the door and shoving her outside before shutting and locking the door. I lean against the door and cover my mouth as I start sobbing. I turn and punch the door, screaming. My knuckles bleed and I keep hitting the door, continuing to scream. I then fall to the floor, sobbing. _What the hell is wrong with me?_


End file.
